Bullies are the worst ….. no cap
Back in the dayyyy …………. ( yes I am so doing this !)
9th grade
After a wholesome and packed two months of summer, I was honestly pumped for school.
This was literally the first time I felt this way about school in a long time.
Unlike previous ones, I actually kind of did have a productive summer .
April — the intense one, was packed with swimming classes, tuitions, intense workouts and everything under the sun. I was honestly sane and happy that time because I was busy the whole time and for a change wasn't doing NOTHING !
Then, May was when the holiday time officially began. We were off to Italy.
It was a nice 3 week holiday spent exploring the streets and monuments of Rome, sitting in Venice’s gondola rides and devouring scrumptious gelato, getting used to overpriced bags and perfumes, over- consumption of Pizzas, pastas , history and Michael Angelo and of course the stolen glances, smiles and some failed attempts to speak Italian to hot Italian dudes. I couldn't mostly make it past a ‘Ciao’ but uhhh they were gorgeouss !
But to say the least, it was a great summer and I was all bright eyed and bushy tailed for school. Also that year they also gave us some homework to do. I had too much energy that I literally set my bag and did my homework two days before.
I though to myself in my head ~ this has to be one hell of a year !
I chose the ICSE curriculum and I had the sciences- physics, chem , bio , Math, history, geography , Economics , and the languages- English & Hindi.
Since I already had done tuitions in the summer, I was ahead in class, in the sense that I knew what was going on and wasn’t zoning out. I knew the concepts. It felt good honestly.
A voracious reader as I was, and also a little extra, I was mostly a few pages ahead in all subjects and answered quiet often, even during the awkward silences when no one knew stuff. Being vociferous should be used as an asset and not be used as a weak point, to belittle someone whose trying.
That’s what happened to me.
I answered in most classes and did well on tests and other projects, everything was fine, except the fact that I was being bullied !
Primarily these two guys-Mark and Mathew ( not really, just trying to protect their identity) were the bullies. They used to make fun of my name and made every possible fat joke on me. I was constantly fat shamed. it sucked.
I ignored them by trying to focus on my academics and excelling in them, but their incessant jibes and vise cracks wouldn’t stop. Sometimes about my physique or my inability to answer a question asked out of the blue. Words literally cut to the bone.
It felt so trapped and frustrated.
I didn't want to answer more questions in class due to the impending doom of being criticized or made fun of if I did; even concentrating in class got much harder. Fear and self-doubt was constantly just getting the better of me.
I wouldn’t say the teachers humored this or promoted it, but they didn't really stop it either.
my academic performance inevitably deteriorated and fell.
Due to the repetitive barbs and insults on my physical shortcomings and physique, looking at the mirror was my least favorite thing to do. those five minutes usually resulted in me being severely critical of my body and was too pedantic about every part of my face being perfect. These things definitely psychologically affects you, and brings down your self esteem.
It affected me in multiple ways including my grades, relationships with my family and friends, and a substantial rise in my weight. I was a just mean little teenage kid at that time.
Most days I couldn’t make it past my blanket and get out of bed. I mean eventually I had if it was a school day but on weekends I just couldn’t !
Junk food, empty scrolling , oversleeping , and an unhealthy consumption of Rom-coms became my coping mechanism. I was officially depressed, and I couldn’t fight it. I just despised myself so so much !
I just needed to vent, which I did, to my mom and it was definitely soothing speaking to her but she would give me advice and say stuff that would make me feel better that instant but then the next day when I had to go to school, it would happen again.
Thus I decided to go the counsellor in my school and when I was there, I literally just opened my heart out. I was speaking and venting from a place of a lot of frustration, and saturation. I had literally reached emotional rock bottom and couldn’t take much more. She asked me who these guys were; initially I was hesitant but then I told her. I didn't care. I was j super weak and vulnerable -at that point.
She said she would keep it confidential.
Next thing I know, in one of my classes , the two guys were called to the Headmistress’s office.
I definitely didn’t mean for this, I mean I just needed some peace of mind and I spoke to someone who wasn't my mom or my friend but a professional.
Anyways what ensued was super mixed. Mathew apologized to me and that was that. But Mark didn’t really stop, it wasn't that often but it was there. Whenever it happened again I lashed out and gave it back. He even said some pretty hurtful things sometimes but I had honestly reached a breakpoint where I stopped caring. He obviously wouldn’t change, and I was starting to realize that why should I ? Why do I have to do that all the time, instead of embracing who I am and living with that ?
Anyways, the point is that I have been bullied before 9th grade as well, and honestly I wouldn't change a thing, because I learnt so much from all of it.
It can get pretty bad and make you into extremely different person to the point that you don't even recognize yourself, like it did me. My key takeaway would be to seek help when you have to and not bottle those feeling in you, speak to anyone , doesn’t have to be counsellor or therapist , it can even be a friend.
Honestly, just do whatever you think is right , despite what anyone else advises you to do ! It can anything from confronting the person to speaking about. Just don’t feel like your alone in dealing with it.
Oh and you know what’s worse than bullying ? being a bystander and spectator to it ! Do what you can and help, instead of pulling the classic “ I don’t wanna get involved”. Sure you don’t want to, but you definitely have a conscience and you know what is wrong and right. So move it !
Also the last thing I wanna address is about being vulnerable. It is not a bad thing, and certainly isn’t a weakness, despite people saying that.
It requires a lot of courage to do so, it shows your candidness and transparency and even what you stand for. I haven’t mastered this yet but I try not be as cautious as was. I am going to not say the right things all the time, make mistakes , speak about them, be super silly and I am okay with that.
Accepting your vulnerability and speaking about it makes you happier, shows you have nothing to hide.
Lets all do that ! Its okay to not be okay :)
I am being vulnerable by posting this article.
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Bullying resources and Helpful NGO’S :
- P.S ~ *Note to Bullies*~You know, subtle innuendos and insinuation counts as bullying to ? Seriously stop it with that. Also if you wanna do it, stop sucking at it !!
